[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Sunday, November 4th, 2012|
|so today i made an enemie
today with everything is the bdays of my stepdad,big brother & one of my best friends. I am spending the day with mommy and uncle d. he's so tired as always. we broght more clothes for him. his day nurse listed wrong items and I spoke on it. so I made a enemy :( not my intent. I wanna make as many allirs here for uncle sake. so much I want to do for him and mommy. but I can't. I wanted for last couple of years to get 2 jobs but I'm greatful for the 1 I have. this storm is kicking butt out here I have less $ for us. just confused but have to make sumthing more. well at least we got to spend time with uncle d :) this I am happy for most. again them mean "family" can't take this away
no matter how hard they try :)
|Saturday, November 3rd, 2012|
We stand tall & alone against family who is never supportive or there. We are lossing everything around us. We are starting to crumble. We are starting to shake. We have to protect him amd outselves, we have to safe and protect out home. We need more then hope :'( this hurts so bad. But we somehow push on. We sumhow push through.
|nothing has improved.... ramble
today is not the day that things got worse but yet another day of hardness. I am though blessed that the strom passing over head didnt damage home more and harm our lives. but the fact that we are in forclosure, my uncle was just moves without permission to a rehab nursing home and us working hars to care for him, my mom being blamed for it from people who have not been around to help only hinder, her health being not good, my stepdad and his addictions and mental health staus, my health being not good and my lil money supporting 4 people and this"family" treating us like shit. its a wonder y people always complain and don't understand why I get mad. Lord thank you for another day & please protect and help those who need you and those who don't. my heart goea out to those who have lost so much due to the storm.
|Sunday, February 26th, 2012|
today i hope is a good day. past dats have been over whelming. and the future holds so much uncertainty. i hope we can keep our home.. i hope that people can give my mom back all tgT she wasted on them and they can leave us alone n we both have better help. then n only then can we rebuild. today i feel like all this can happen n we can finally be free. thus is how i woke up this morning n im feeling good :-) Gambatte Minna.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
|Saturday, February 11th, 2012|
so im a bit pissed off that i get this email saying that my account here on lj when i have posted my own lil something. i have posted from my fone, right now this is all i have just readin and soaking in to take me away from my own drama. grrrrrr how can u do that. aside from that my god bro memorial to get ready for manana. just much going on. Current Mood: cranky
|Thursday, February 2nd, 2012|
|trying to move FORWARD
Trying to have a positive life is way harder then any1 ever thinks. Peoples lips flap with the words ita easy but its not
For the last few years ive had to deal with major unemployment,family illnesses, taking care of them, the consistant reminder of the fact that we are going into forclosure & not have even half of the $20thousand + they say we owe, nessacities being cut off, family showing more then true colors. well here goes nothing.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
|Sunday, January 29th, 2012|
|hopeing for a difference
in all this time things have gotten worst. person in my house wont leave nor find a way to give back the $$,$$$ that was used to help him. that he was suppose to give back. my home is in forclosure :'( more of the family that were suppose to love and care for my mom n i have turned on us & blacklisted & caused problems in our lives. thnak goodness im back to work but its part time pay for full time hours. im in this rut that i cant stand. i feel like what did i do to deserve this. my health is like crap, constint pills, constint sick. its stressing. i just dont know. i feel like i have no out let. i hate feeling negative & sad, no matter i do to rise or try to rise above the crap i cant get out this.
............i have my Japan rebuilding and keep strong. i do get strength from them. if they can rebuild n keep strong i have nothing to worry about.... but u do i dont feel so strong... well lets just see where i will land from here. Current Mood: numb
|Wednesday, May 12th, 2010|
|back to the drawing board
:'( where do i even begin. comps all crashed (suspious of it all), terabit died.....all my Gackt & Arashi & Nihon happiness is gone... not even sure where to start. luck i got my lj *hug LJ* i missed u so.
lost resume, & been looking for work, niece aunt just passed :( and i worried bout her , might not have hit her yet. but i gotta make sure i am strong for her. most family still fdont deal with mom n i & home is tough place to be.....all i have is comp & net to experience Nihon. now its even father away. greatful mommy let me use hers but she mostly on it so i cant be selfish, we both need work. what to do , where to begin......... gosh i need my files back. years of work all gone.....i really cant figure this 1 out:'( Current Mood: depressed
|Saturday, December 26th, 2009|
Yeah *giggle* yeah it is. 3new cousins. getting stronger everyday. old friends caught up with. blessing that we made it this far. i hope i can get a job this year & things end up better then it was this year pass. 2010 i hope i experience a better things for the future. i hope also i can make it to Japan. i really need to get to Japan.
just need to survive....
|Sunday, August 17th, 2008|
all i have is my dream, all i have is my heart. all i have is this desire to be someone & somewhere, to be with someone in Tokyo. i want to go to Japan. i want to go there first. for anyone who knows me, they know this obsession runs deep. since at least 5years old i have wanted to go to Japan. Tokyo & Tokyo Tower i want as my first stop. i want to go to many other places but there. there is where my heart cries out to be. i have missed opportunites, i have made excuses, i have even lied to myself about reasons holding me back. i always try my hardest to make pep i care for happy but i always put my wishes on back burner. i want for all who i care for to be happy, but i have gotten to my kept pushing it back. but i dont want to anylonger.
i figured by now i would have had a certain type of life. i wished to have a good job, a husband that actually cared (aceppting the fact he may not be my first) and at least one child by now. a few times my heart got the best of me & believed promises that now..... now are just stupid words i believed in. i believe in few now. i believe in me. i keep faalling into spiral that i no longer wish to be part of. i cant please everyone, i dont want nor do i care to try anymore. i miss being me. i like being me. the me that wears many mask that i can go from bar to ball in seconds flat n i am so accepted for me. it's krazi it took so long in my life to be accepted by others n i cheated myself. well i dont want to anymore. i need to focus on me. i have to be selfish. i can take care n be there for the people i care for n me. so that what i choose. i know some will not accept that n be mad. but i no longer care. not to be mean but i need to put my care towards those who have n do understand me n my decsions & my dreams.
i feel too old to be wanting & doing some of the things that i dream for. but im going to do that. i have to. n i have no reason anymore to be held back. my mo is rooting for me n my kids (r too) my family & friends (who do care for me) are rooting for me. so thats what i need. i wasnt sure how things were gonna go down in the long run but i have the support i needed. so withthat. i putting it out into the universe again with all my might.
2009 IM GOING TO JAPAN. FIRST STOP TOKYO!!!!
(maybe ill get lucky & gackt will marry me & take me away *giggle*)
i really want to be in Tokyo a few days before my 30th bday so that i can be on Tokyo Tower for my day but i am content with the idea of as long as its before xmas lol 09 i go im ok :)
i hope to make more good friends in Japan before i get there, cus i want people to hang with :) the more the merrier :P
I WILL GO THIS YEAR COMING UP. I WILL MAKE IT TO MY TOKYO, I WILL MAKE IT TO "MY BELOVED". I PROMISE I WILL. no looking back, no point cant change the past. but i can change the future :)
on that note, i have opened some less lol violent thoughts. im actually not angry much anymore. still a bit confused. but the more i focus on Japan the happier i am, just like before. no matter what ever hurt i always thought of the things i will do in Japan. it makes all the pain over here ....... it eases my heart. i only have eyes for Japan. i only have eyes for Tokyo *giggle* krazy isnt it??? Current Mood: determined
|Sunday, August 10th, 2008|
|things change people dont *sigh*
well after my last post, so much has happened. this year has actually turned out not good at all. but :) i survivin....
i needed to make changes n well i hadn't :( but i will be. i am aiming for my 2009 tokyo departure. i know i can go anytime but this is my only thing keeping my happiness. my dream from a child. i have reasons for wanting changes but i could never get them off the ground. i have to do this to me. i have to go. nothing eles matters anymore. no love holding me back. i have to g to Japan, i have to get to Tokyo..... i can do this.... no more broken heart gonna hold me back. ill miss m family n friends but i know i have them. part of the time big reason i didnt leave was cs i thought i would be losing my love. but i have no love here. so y lie to myself. people dont change for me so y did or should i change for them. i always have done for others,well i want to do for me n i want to hav my dream come true. no one can live it but me. :) so with a smile on my face , n a hug in my heart i know i will go to Japan 2009....it is all i have to believe in. ths is the only dream i have. wish me luck. Current Mood: content
|Sunday, October 28th, 2007|
so stressed. things have turned into i dont even know. jay found me and we started talking again. but we still have had some not so positive runins. i have alot to learn again about him i feel. hes not the same. we have alot to learn about each other. being around him i realized how much i actually missed him but its more then hard it seems this time around. im not sure what to do. i have never been with some one that we had so many problems. i dont want the problems, i cant stand it. i want to stat my family with my beloved, and i know i cant have that from him and like i said before i cant ask him cuse its not fair and i also know that i that isnt right to do. i never felt that would be right for me to do to anyone. i just am so stressed. and this home thins with moms bf. he has disrepected me more then once with hins words calling me "nipples" now others have heard it not just from me telling them. and im worried bout my nephew in va. i know he is a good man, great father and husband, but i feel he is beeing taking advantage of. and i cant totoally tell him:( i said what i said but i cant say those words at the moment. i do miss spending time with him and them out there. jay things i am trying to run away from my problems...... before i was like no, but offically as of coming back i feel that yeah i want to run, run so far.i missed so much but things shouldnt have been a certain way when i cam eback. like with mommy bf. he was outta control and i no longer want him here. when i was gone he wasnt so himself but the moment i come back hes back to his assholeish ways. im just ova whelmed.been saying it for 3 years now. but whatever now. i cant even consintrate. my creative mind feels like it flew away. i dont know where i fit in, i dont know what to with myself. i cant think. i wish i could have some of my dreams take oof. i want to go to tokyo. i want to find myself. i dont think i can do that here anymore. i need a job too. grrrr me. i need something i can be creative but i cant really find something im good enuff for :( dont know what to do at all. i just suck right now. nothing is wroking out good. i cant even get things good with jay and honestly my happiness with him is my happiness and my outlet.im fucked up right now. i want the modeling to kick off too. but i cant do it cusr i am not small enough nor have fotos yet... but i want to do the gothic lolita modeling so bad. i think i can really do it. i suck. i cant take it anymore.
|Thursday, December 21st, 2006|
well for a few weeks now i have been doing the late night things. i sleep all hours or the day sn when family sleeps im cant help but be wide awake. i have tried to chance it but it hasnt worked, but i think i am breaking the habit. hell at least i am sleeping, i have had more days and nights not sleeping at all, so whatever i get i am greatful for. i woke up 5 this morning and surfed a bit, havent checked my space yet, i want full attention when i go on, this way i can focus on everyone. i spent the last hour looking around my room. i have all my happy memories but i notice the memories of my last x which i dont want to be reminded of anymore. i dont know what to do when it comes to him, i want to hate him. he is no better then my ex before him, he's changed for the worst, he says how i never did so many things for him including lack of support, everyone says how much of a loser, asshole, jerk and other things he is and i always stood up for him even with his "friends" i know i gave more then 100% in the relationship as friend and girlfriend. he hasnt been a friend for a few years along with not beening boyfriend. he never tried, always broke promises,lied, borke my heart in so many ways, always turned things into my fault, always said i wasnt on his side( which i more then was, thats part of y i stayed by his side),he made me hate things and have regrets. and made me do things i wish i didnt. he also did something the last time i staied at his house that i asked him not to do. and if he felt that it was gonna be a certain way be honest with me, dont hurt me more. he did exactly what my ex before him did and then some.
i dont wish him badness, i hope he is happy with his choices, i always said that and meant it. i know i am not good enough to be at his side, so that's that. i do still hurt but i think its starting to go away. i have been tired of a lot of shit for too long and well if he didnt care(which no matter what he says afterwards his intial words and actions then and afterwards have shown he never did).i have put so much into changing cause i wanted to stay by his side, and it sucks cause i find that i always do that, i always do what my boyfriend wants in the end. i forget to be me, and this time i tried to hold on but being me got in the way, so i gave up and did what was wanted. all my friends and family saw me changing and losing myself but i didnt listen. i cant lie i know i was in love with him. and to tell you the truth i right now cant say that i am not still in love, but i also cant say i am. i know how to keep a man happy but what fucked up is that the ones that i keep happy that are still in my life all belong to others. i am tired of being the other woman. i get treated like a princess but at the end of the day i cant go home with them. i havent talked to most of them though i have gotten emails, i know it is fucked up, but escept for one the rest dont get it, and well i dont blame them cause i am being there. i have a close friend that for years when i was single i would be with him. even though he usually had a girlfriend. i loved the attention he'd give me.just like the others. i loved the fact that he wanted to be with me more then he did with them. but it's going on 10 years we've known eachother and i havent seen him in the last soon 3 years. i do want to see him but i know he wants what i dont feel for anymore with him. it sucks cause i liked him so much and he didnt feel that way. then oneday we were together and then my feeling grew more and more but knowing i could never be his killed me. and the relaization that if i were toever be his girl he would cheat on me. and i am aslo tired of being cheate on. i;ll give my last ex the benefit that he didnt cheat. but all the ones before him scared me. but honestly even if he didnt chest everything eles he has done to me has broken me more. i can t wait to start working agian, cause i know i will find a way to forget, outdie of here. i want to forget. i have wanted to forget from the first time he broke my heart. like i said i dont wish him any badness. but you know what, i do hope he gets whats coming to him. i hope he learns. i hope they all learn.
like i was told more then once and have been reminded repeatedly the last few days, nyceness doesnt get you anywhere or anything. and i knew it was try. and i hate bing a bitch to get anything, but if it will in the long run bring me happiness, well then i will have to be the biggeest bitch.
so after getting that off my chest(which it does feel a bit better) i think i will redo some shelves. i am thinking of moving my collectable plates and just packing them up and putting my games on that shelf and taking down some figuers. getting rid of some stuff, cause lets face it, there is no point for me to have it anymore, is there? i have to find a job, i need cash and mommys gonna be outta work soon, i cant cause her to lost here cause i didnt help. i was looking at some jobs but nothing yet.
and xmas is coming. i miss my nephew and his family, i know they arent coming up here and i dont have anything for them but i do wish i could spend time with them, cause i miss them so much. i dont know what i will do for christmas. and for new years i have options but i really dont know what to do. to tell you the truth i want to be with my kats at midnight. lets just see.....
|Tuesday, December 12th, 2006|
|just some babble
i just finished getting all this wireless stuff fixed up in my room. and well it's not working all that well, but it is enough for now. im working on getting a job still. i dont know exactly what i wanna do, i know love to work at the Japan Soceity on something, so i could learn and get paid and teach others at the same time.but i really dont know what i have to offer. (thats not a good way to sell myself i know, but i just want to get things together. i want to get clothes and comp. together then trip to tokyo,so i really gotta get job fast, also before that i have to help at home, first things first.
i am back in my room again after like 4 months. it seems i stay in other parts of the house for months on end. right now i am missing adult swim and excellent signal, other then that i am glad i am back in my santuary.
yesterday i helped one of my cousins start to put up holiday decorations,and well like i told her,if it were'nt for her i woudnt feel the christmas mood. putting up the decorations reminded me of the happier times, the times i miss so very much. unfoortunetly she ended getting sick so we didnt do the last part like we hope on monday. we'll finish today. so i just chilled with her and worked on makin g icons. i was tring to get family ones done, but it didint work that way. but after we are done with decorations if she is feeling up to it at all, hopefully i can use her come for making some more goodies. im watching silent hill:the movie now. i saw it 3 times in the theatre and the day it came out i bought it on dvd and the same with curious george. i wasnt sure about it but i like the vesions that they came up with. both movies. after this i doubt i will sleep, so i probably will watch another creepy movie, most likely a japanese one. i will save a chinese for the third one. i got another long night ahead i think. also i am trying to think of something kool for christmas time to try and do. i want to go with my nephews and there families to rockafeller and have fun like we all used to , before their familes grew,like we build on the good times and make memories with the kids. i am so happy i have them and my cousins. they have been maing me smile and keeping keep my mind off things. i still having the pains in my chest but its calming down a hell of alot. thats good, but ti tell tell the truth i am scared cause i would love that i got to be with my sisters family for holiday but i am so very scared that i will go back to the hospital.lol, i was so happy i ended up there the last time, how would have thought. well back to looking for some clothes, i have to get all my things together and get my creative jucies flowing cause i want to make new pics. i am looking forward to this new year(at least right at this moment i am) i want to forget all the hurt. i hope i dont cry. i think i want to forget, yeah i want to forget,like i was forgotten. i guess my last ex was right.if i dont talk to him and keep touch with him i wont want to ever deal with him afterwards. i think i dont wnt to ever deal with him. he was just as bad as the rest of them, actually he was worst. he lied and broke every promise. and proved everyone else other then me was right about him. it sucks to be me in the case of him. he became the person he said he didnt like the most. and look at hiim now. mr. bigshot. well i cant be mad anymore, like i told him, he always gets what he wants. so i do hope he is happy with what he gets. and i hope i get some real happiness soon. i think i deserve some happiness after wasting the 3 1/2 extra years onesided loving someone. god i cant wait to leave for tokyo.
i dream of it so much. i will meet up with my beloved there, i know it. and i'll be someone there,cause here, i am nothing. and i dont mean it to down talk myself but i know i am nothing to anyone here. once again i was shown that. i want to start a new, so this is the only way. and thought i know i will hear i am running away, but i have proof i am not. tokyo has been my dream most of my life. throwning it all away to waste it by killing myself slowly. that i think is running away.
well enough of depressing babble lol, and back to my movie.i want ot take a trip and stay at a hotel. i think i deserve that. i want to take a break.
|Thursday, December 7th, 2006|
|another late nite
im working on getting a job.i am trying to help my friend too. i hope i can find him something. i know he wants to work at webster hall, so hopfully i can get something going for him. also lucky for me a friend of mine out of the blue is getting me an x-mas gift, im sad though cause i dont have and cash to get anything for anyone. and well i dont know what to make for anyone either. i have so many things i could do i guess, but i dont know. i wish for a few material things and i figured that i will work hard and get it on my own, but i am lucking out, cause he is gonna get it for me. im getting the red & blue filmology and Gackt's book. i am so lucky and greatful that he thought of me. i already know that im not getting anything eles from family and friends, and it;s kool as long as i still have my real friends thats what matters, and they are still with me, so i am happy. also i have to find a way to get cash to get mommy's gift and my babies, i know what to get them but i mommy , well i know she just wants the bills to be caught up, and well i cant lie i do too. gosh i need a job.
if only coud get paid for the things i make. it almost sucks now cause i dont have a way to get my own creations out there *sigh*
i have to see sadi soon, i promised to see her before xmas and she is looking for me,lol. and i have to see koala and thanthan, i miss them all. i cant lie i really miss my friends from the job, but its kool cause i wouldnt have grown from being there.
well back to my page, i need to do some up dates and i need to verify the info i got.
i have to get thing to gether also for my outfits, i have so much planed and i dont know how i will get it all done. back to the drawing board. Current Mood: busy
|Tuesday, December 5th, 2006|
|so i wasnt enough.......
i am home sick, kold and tired. i havent slept yet for 2 days. i went through some of my stuff, and i was thinking to get rid of cause i really dont need the reminders. lots of pics of and with my ex. and it made me sick i threw up. i threw up cause part hurt and part angry. still till now i feel nausious. i remember meeting the first time, and all the memories of life before the lies.i took alot of crap from him., but it was ok cause when you love someone you dont see thefaults or the problems. i know i feel in love with him the moment i laied eyes on him. (my hands are shaking, this sux) i know in my heart because i loved him unconditionally i gave unlimited love, support and everything. but it wasnt enough. thats one thing i learned from him. that no matter how much you love, support, believe and are with someone, it will never be enough.
i knew it was love cause when we had problems at first i fought to be with him. other wise i would have just been upset and not have fought. i knew i loved him cause i stuck around for an ex 3 1/2 years. time i really didnt want to be around cause it wasnt easy at any point like he said it would be. both times he broken my heart, i asked to be alone, he said no cause he knew i wouldnt talk him after( and he was right, he wanted a break and i felt i should have one too) besides i knew that he was different.
3 1/2 years of all that i have made wrong, all the love i never gave, the support i never showed, never having his back( i lied and recored people for him), i fucked up cause i fell in love with his family as well and seeing them for his aunts wake. i started to hate him. after all this time, i started to hate him. right now at this moment i dont hate him. i dont have any feeling anymore. i have been saying i am tired but it feel on deaf ears. i felt for years i wasnt loved. and i was told that everyone knows he loves me. but when you love someone, well i thought that were suppose to know, but in my 27 years it just proves that i know nothing.
i cried the most tears for him. i've felt the most pain cause of him. and the doubt of love i felt from him, makes me feel that he was just like the rest.
no one believed in him like i did and i think i still do. i try not to think of him at all, cause i hurt so much more then i can really describe. to say i am heartbroken i dont fell that it covers what my heart actually feels.my friends and family all said i could do better, why am i with him, he's not important, find someone else. i i felt he was so worth it,everything they said was stupid cause they didnt know him like i did. i knew his neverland. but he showed me. he proved that they were all right about him. and also i saw for a while that you didnt see my neverland. just cause you know dreams doesnt meant you know neverland. i threw away my dreams and thoughts i found because he became my world. when you love someone you arent suppose to do that, your suppose to share those dreams together. i am still so tired, and well i guess i will find someone who isnt like him and the others. but it's so tiring.
there is so much more about this and if he ever saw it, there is so much more he would say i have done wrong. i guess it's kool. cause what he did show me was that i was never ment to be his.i was never enough. and thats what hurts, i wished to be his and make him happy. i tried not enough and too much. i know he is happy.and no matter what anymore i will always believe that, cause he made his choices, he got everything he wanted out of the relationship.
i wish he would have got it. but i see that he never will, cause he only cares about him. and these are things i didnt want to admit but i did see.
there is one thing i wanted to tell him for the longest time thought. the very first lie he told me.........and he wanted to know who told me, i never told him but it was his dad who told me. he called me to tell me that he didnt like that he went out with someone eles. i was in the kitchen with my mom at the time. and then trying to call him he didnt answer right away and then the lies began. he says i sarted it and that he doesnt start anything unless i do something to him first. but what did i do? what did i say.we both changed, he is smoking and more selfish then every. he says he dont want to play catch up. he cares more about what peoplething and what they do. i dont want to go to the places he goes cause some i have spent 10 years at and 3 bf there. he never cared about what it was doing to me, he just cares that i was there for him.and the parties , yeah i want to go, but i dont want to be high and weeded all the time an around everyone like that all the time. i have dealt with that and it was gonna make me hate them, i didnt want to , cause i was already not feeling comfortable, but he never cared about my feelings, there is so much i know i should let it be. but i am feelin to let it off my chest now cause of the pics and poems and drawings.
yeah its true, i miss the person he was before. and well i am letting go, well actually i have let go but i am getting rid of the thoughts. he let me go 3 1/2 years ago and i so stupidly stayied.
he won the game i never wanted to play. i feel foolish and stupid for letting my self fall.
lol happy holidays to me huh.
i really wish that he didnt throw me away. i wish that he at least treated me as the friend he said i was.
he made me empty and incomplete. and showed me why love isnt worth all this pain.he made me regret, no one after all the nasty shit they have done to me and my heart have ever left me with the feeling of regret like he has. and he can go on with his life and no pain cause he made all the calls. i told him and he never believd me and everything we have done has been his call. he did things cause he said he knew it was what i wanted, but if i didnt say i wanted them how does he know. and why is it that the things i did say i wanted and hoped and wished for, he never even tried.
i really at this moment wish i never meet him or the people that introduced me to him. cause they betrayed me as well.
i wish i was good enough................................
i wish it really was love, some thing special.
i thought it was special but his words and actions show that i was nothing. nothing special at all.
~back to neverland i go alone~ Current Mood: rejected
it's after 12 in the morning, i am watching tv, listening to trance net radio, and just checking out my site, trying to catch up with peopl. i got up late again tonight. i really fell like crap cause i sleep all day and only up at night, only cause i am too cold to sleep now. no matter how tired i just wont sleep. which any sleep is better then no sleep but still. i am greatful that at least these days i sleep though it is too much. see the problem is that i am an insomniac, have been since i was small. and actually i was good for a while when i had my last bf. i could sleep around him, even if i didnt want to , but seems like i am back to my old ways. i want to go out, i would love to go dancing right now, i am so kold here i am just listening and typing away. thank goodness for laptops, mine here isnt the best, but i am blessed cause i have something.
the furnece ( i cant remember how to spell it now) is out, it's been out for a while.and i am partly sick frim this, its almost like when i first moved here. i got really bad sick the first year here cause no heat and it was krazy kold. my om is getting sick but she playing off like it a minor kold. i hope she doesnt get really sick. even her bf is getting sick and he is the type that really doesnt get sick on any level. i know my kats are kold but they all find there own spots and keep warm. i wish they would sleep together,all 3 of them. it seems that they will sleep 2 together at a time and even that isnt much, they used to be a bit more czy in the warmer weather. guess there isnt suppose to be logic to this. i miss my tama. he was my first kat. he was just what i wanted. orange boy. i wanted one for a while and if i had gotten a dog, i wasnt really picky on the kind. but i hoped that i would one day have orange boy cause they stand out and when i saw fruits basket, it sealed the deal. my favorite characther is Kyou Souma. hell if he were real he would be mine!!!!!! thats right i said it *giggle* my first christmas alone i had him. i cried and he took away my tears....... he died earlier this year, actually he passed 2 days to the 1 year anniversary of my fathers death. he died in my arms letting out this scream and my mom was holding me and her bf was holding her. my lil tama i have his ashes in my room. and if i go, he comes with me. i thought about it with the rest of my babies i would cremate them like their older sibling and they would come with me too, it they passed before me. i know it seems krazy but i have been alone for so long that i want is to keep loving and they have a restful place when they good. i think tama is still with me i see him some times, so its more comforting. i know he is in my room resting at the foot of my bed, by my feet. i wish that my others would do that when i go back to my room. when i lay in the living room kagome and shippo lay on my back, feet,legs some times together sometimes apart. inuyasha well she has her own spots arond the place, but i know that when i or my mom are in my room on my bed then she'll sleep on the bed. actually she hasbroken in to my room and i have found that the 3 lil bad@$$e$ have taken over my bed, it really kute, but it's one of the hardest things for me to get a pic of. but i have years to get the evidence *lol*
as for my father.........i i do miss him. but he turned so evil heis last years. i know he did so many bad things, which in my darker moments i may write in here. but there were a few years and times that i felt like i was geuninely love. i learned that that wasnt the case about 4 years before he passed. he said that i wasnt the prettiest thing, not the smartest and i'll never be anything, right now it is the only thing in my head. i thought for years that he was proud of me, though i know im not the prettiest and the smartest. i thought i was good enough cause my papi loved me. but .......... it wasnt the case at all. i miss the days of my blind denial. it was bliss. i am so greatfully for my mom cause maybe it is true but she didnt throw me away like so many have, family and loves so far in my life. but at least i have my kats. i have had this thought in my head a few months now. the thought that i may just be a kat lady and it will be ok. i am the last of to carry the last name and maybe then it should end with me.
i miss being happy. i remember the days i thought i was so alone, and it proved true so i fell in to my world. the last 5 years i have tried so hard to stay part of someone eles world that i lost my way out of mine. it's pretty sad i think, but i have found my way and am back on my path back to me. my dream of Tokyo is stronger then ever. i cut the inital wish of 3-6 months down to 3weeks - 1 month. i want to make many friends first so that i have friends to meet when i get there. but i always want to make firends regardless of trip or not. i have lost tfack of many people that i hoped to meet person to person so these days i am gonna not lost track and i will meet everyone :) one way or another.
my mom is so supportive of this dream, i have had most of my life. i remember as far back as 5 years old.
i know i am not different from others cause of the problems i gone through, but i hope to be different be cause of the experience i have gotten from them. i like being me and me is different.i like not being clouded by others which i was for a while and almost lost 2(+3 that came from them) i never thought i would get clouded. but i was blessed with their forgiveness and i have them with me today. and i will never let anyone eles get between us.
i cant wait to get to Tokyo then to all the other places i want to go to, so that i can become a stronger person. and that it will be harder for outsides to cloud my world. i dont want the clouds in my unless they are there cause i put them there for shade.
i wish for tokyo. and to meet my love on Tokyo Tower.
i have wished for that before high school.
i wish for my Beloved.... in Tokyo......
i feel good now:)
it's been a while. lol when i think about my Obsessions i become genuienly happy. i am happy in my world Current Mood: hopeful
|Sunday, December 3rd, 2006|
im just getting up, i sleep tomuch these days, but i guess thats expected. i need to get out of here. so i begin the journal and journey of getting shit straight...... so much to do. Current Mood: tired
i have been up for a lil, and i am tring to figure out what to do with myself. i need to get away. but i am not running away, i just need a break. everyone eles gets one why dont i? i have been home sick for a bit. inflamation in the chest, making it hard to breath, panic attacks, pains in the chest,i feel down, empty, very alone, more then ususal if its possible.i dont feel like doing anything, and not in a laxy way i just dont want to do anything, all i do is sleep and when i am awake i end up here on line. for the longest i didnt mess with live journal and when i had my oother account i didnt write the way i feel like now. i have had so many blogs for many things because i dont want for anyone to realize its me, but i dont care anymore. it doesnt matter, basically cause no onw is taking me seriously. i have so much pain, phyically and mentally. i am not sure what to do these days.
growing up i was alone i acted out and did things that if having another chance i wouldnt have done them. there was a time i held back my heart and mind and i was sent to "counseling" and that actually made me more mad, but i dont think anyone noticed it. as i got older i becaseme more and more shut in and introverted, but its not the way i wanted it to e, i wanted to be normal like everyone eles. i thought thtat it would make me better, but i learned later i didnt like to be like everyone eles. i liked bein my own drummer so i try to stay this way.
and well with that my heart went throught the same confusion as my mind did.
5 years ago i was accpeted by what be came my really true love. but as time went one and lies came forth it wrecked our relationship. even when i was alone i stayied by his side, but it wasnt enough and also it seems i was more of a monster then anything eles............ not one has ever made me work so hard for my own heart. i never spoke my mind like i ended having to do, and also being put in the postion to be not the person i really was and well we both have changed, you dont want to play the catch up game, and i dont want to be forced to keep doing what i dont want to. i dont want to catch up to anyone i want to be me on my terms, and well he'll never understand. and i never thought that i would feel like this but i feel so betrayed that i dont know if i hate him but i dont cry so much for him as i did before. i do thought miss his family so very much. an aunt of his just passed and going to the wake i cryied so much on the days leading to it, his dad being in the hospital i was so sad and want ted to be so much a part of the family, but he told me so many times , it not my family, i am part of it but it's not mine. and well i finally am getting the understanding. the doctor said i am over stressed. i never felt like i was but maybe i am, iif so i know part of it is because of what has happened to my heart. i have lied,fought for him, stood up for, and did so many thing and all i hae ever gotten back was i never did anything for him.
i remember asking both time he broke my heart to please leave me alone since he wanted his space to give me mine and he said no cause he knows me and knows i will never talk to him again. i will lose contact on purpose, he figured that when there are people that have known me longer and havent learned it yet. you made me hurt for an extra and extra 3 1/2 years, you got what you wanted, you doing you and i learned that i was waiting for you. i got tired of waiting for you and you still didnt show the words you keep saying. you never showed me, you say you show me in your own way, everyone know you love me, but what use is it when everyone knows you love someone and they done know. im tired of being in a one sided love. you win. i will give you all the space in the world. you hate when i comepare you to my ex's and how you hurt me more, and you do it to me all the time, you are worst then they and just as bad as david. you got mad he put gun to me, but you know what, you never showed me that it would have mattered if a bullet would have hit me when he pulled the trigger. you pulled the trigger on me to.
you cant give me what i need and i told you all the things i wanted and needed. you said you could and would but never did, the person i feel in love with died. and i miss him. i miss the man i feel in love with. so since i will never be blessed like i once wa even if it were an illusion, i will ba the way i was before. i was alone. alone i was my happiest, cause i liked me. you made me hate me. i dont want to play your stupid game.
i have to go to Tokyo. that was my dream i gave it up and you didnt even noticed that you became my dream. you had dreams and real ambiton before, you dont have any of that anymore. 10 years i had to deal with people like what you have become. you can stay and live that shitty life. you have become just like the people who you didnt like and didnt want to be like. you are just like them, you uused to be better. but it's ok, cause at least i didnt stay there. i dont want to catch up to that life. i will live my own dreams and maybe i will fall in love again, but for now love isnt anything to me. i am so tired of believing in love because everyone thinks it is better. everytime i believe i get hurt. the more i did believe the more i got hurt. ha hurt my heart the last time.
i want a family, i want my kids to grow up better then i had it. with both parents together and happy. i want to be a mom just like the rest of the family i want to move on to the next part of my life, but it doesnt seem that will happen any time soon. so i will be come stronger and happy again being me so when i finally have my family they wont hurt like i have.
i cant believe i thought i would be his wife,lol. how stupid right, i was never good enough nor what he wanted. i guess i was just really not thinking. 5 1/2 years it took me to learn. but it's kool. 5 1/2 years of experience, thats what it was. yeah.
so now i have to find a way to get my outfits and my stuff.
i think i feeling better. my heart does hurt a bit still, it will always hurt. well it will hurt until i find my true love. i guess this is the journey of everyones life. Current Mood: lonely